


Rising From The Ashes

by rccrpntr



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, Vocaloid
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Annie's stage persona is Luka, Armin & Erwin, Armin and Christ/Historia's stage personas are Rin and Lin, Blood, Character Death, Character Development, Depression, Erwin plays Violin, F/F, F/M, Hange plays flute, Levi & Mikasa - Freeform, Levi Erwin and Hange create an orchestra, Levi Hange and Erwin wear masquerade masks to hide their identities while they perform, Levi and Mikasa also do not know the others stage personas, Levi and Mikasa do not realize who the other is till much later on, Levi loses his previous fiance, Levi plays cello, Levi previously affiliated with gangs, M/M, Mikasa and Levi at first hate each other, Mikasa has a metamorphosis and Levi has his much earlier than hers, Mikasa previously in abusive relationship with Eren, Mikasa's parents die tragically, Mikasa's stage persona is Gumi, Most musicians do not give away their identities, Murder, Musicians use vocaloid names and personas to keep their identities secret, One Night Stand, Previous Levi & Petra - Freeform, Previous Mikasa & Eren - Freeform, Sasha & Connie - Freeform, Sasha is Miku, Smut, This is on my fanfiction and Wattpad account as rccrpntr, Tragedy, Violence, Vocaloid - Freeform, Vocaloid as stage names not as real people, Ymir & Historia/Christa, gradual romance build, survivor's guilt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-09
Updated: 2015-11-04
Packaged: 2018-04-03 14:44:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4104691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rccrpntr/pseuds/rccrpntr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mikasa was a rising child star who quit singing after her parents died. She struggles with survival guilt, and years later dates an abusive boyfriend. Levi picks up the cello, later on becoming a part of a famous orchestra. Years later, Mikasa and Levi meet and go from sneaking glances at the bar, to hanging out together. Levi wills Mikasa to grow, and become independent and strong. Neither knows the other is/was famous because they keep their identities secret. This is because in this universe Vocaloids are not computer programs, but stage personas musicians create to hide their true identities. Levi and the orchestra, however, only use masks, not Vocaloid personas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prelude

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys please enjoy this story! Been obsessing over it for weeks now haha.  
> Shout out to my beta Moshi Moshi!  
> Please comment, and criticism good or bad helps me as a writer!  
> Thanks and please enjoy!  
> Oh, and, MIKASA AND LEVI FOREVER!!!!  
> This is Alternate Universe, vocaloids are not characters but stage personas some musicians use to hide their secret identities.  
> WARNING! LOTS OF ANGST, SADNESS, DEPRESSION, CHARACTER DEATH, AND MURDER.  
> lots of character development. 
> 
> Also, this is the song Mikasa sings in this chapter  
> Original Song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UoK8DaJRDaM
> 
> Gumi version https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYlHy5PbWiA

“Are y’all ready?! Come on now, are y’all ready?!”

Her green wig fluttered against her soft features as she twirled on the stage, exciting the crowd even more. Mikasa’s dress glittered underneath the lights, and the crowd awed in approval. She was immersing herself into her “stage” persona, effectively persuading the crowd that she was some green-haired preteen named “Gumi”. She curtsied and smiled for her fans while holding her goggles and posing for the cameras. She nodded in approval when the crowd awed. Of course, no one knew her real identity. Many artists, especially child stars, had a fake stage persona to keep their real identities secret.

Thanks to Mikasa, most of the stage personas were dubbed “Vocaloids”. Mikasa started this with her persona Gumi, creating a pop culture phenomenon. People loved the idea, and had taken it by storm. Companies, with Mikasa’s consent, created toys and outfits, among other merchandise, in the likeness of her character, “Gumi”. In return for Mikasa allowing this, she insisted that the companies had to donate an average portion of their profits to music programs. Most of the companies hastily agreed because the market for Vocaloid merchandise was ever rising, especially for Mikasa’s Gumi persona.

By the time Mikasa was five, her parents had discovered that she had a natural-born talent of singing. Her mom was a skilled pianist while her dad was an excellent opera singer, and together they raised their child through love and music. Naturally, they prepared her accordingly, teaching her everything they knew in music. Mikasa enjoyed her childhood on the farm so much; after chores she would come home and recite whatever she had been practicing for the day. They worked like this until Mikasa was able to match pitches and chords naturally without much instruction.  

Mikasa practiced day and night, perfecting her skill with the help of her parents. Later her family would compose songs together, and create wonderful trios and duets, just the three of them. Mikasa fondly reminisces about the time they spent together by the fire on those cold nights, singing Gregorian chants to each other. Yes, they had endured a time of poverty, but during that time they bonded even closer together. Being put through hard times like that shapes you, and can either make or break your family. Her mother and father would snuggle Mikasa between them, and sing like that together next to the fire. Eventually, they made better money, but still, those are the memories that Mikasa is most fond of.

Just for fun, they created the song _Candy Candy_. It was inspired by Mikasa’s unhealthy desire for sweets and candy. Her father created the verses, and her mother followed it with chord progressions and harmonies. Mikasa’s uncle _,_ Hannes, heard her sing _Candy Candy_ one day, and knew it would be a big hit. He pulled some strings with some of his contacts in the music industry, landing _Candy Candy_ a spot on a prime-time radio station, and ultimately helping escalate “Gumi” to fame. The song was number one on the charts for months in both America and Japan. Mikasa began her first tour at the age of twelve, and was now at the end of her second tour by thirteen. The fame Mikasa received helped pull her family out of debt, and helped them grow even closer together. Her parents helped her practice her dance routines, arrive at her concerts on time, and everything else that accompanied being a famous musician.

Mikasa wanted to give her family privacy, so she pretended to be her imaginary friend from early childhood, “Gumi”. Gumi had short, cropped green hair and yellow goggles on as a head band. Her outfit would change normally, never staying consistent for too long. The final touch was the yellow contacts, which normally irritated her eyes but later on she would grow accustomed to them. Mikasa created a background story that Gumi was a digital girl who only wished to be real, and the only way for her to feel real was when she sang. As “Gumi” incited a pop culture phenomenon, Mikasa prevented the press from banging on her door and kept her family’s identity a secret as well. No interviews were conducted without her costume on, and she was only in costume when arriving or leaving a performance. This kept them safe and under wraps.

 Following in the wake of Gumi’s popularity, many musicians created similar personas, creating the Vocaloid phenomenon. Some of the more famous ones included Miku, the twins Rin and Len, Miki, Luka, and others, pushing the Vocaloid movement further.  Although Mikasa was one of the leaders for the “Vocaloid” trend, many musicians before her created stage personas to hide their identities as well, such as the three founding members from the famous Wings of Freedom Orchestra. These three musicians included violin soloist “Scout”, cello soloist “Regiment”, and flute soloist “The Scientist”. They became noticed for their spectacular musicianship recently, and have begun performing the many pieces they composed themselves across the globe. Scout, Regiment, and The Scientist began the orchestra during their early adulthood, and practiced together in a friend’s basement. None of them went to college, but gained expertise in their fields through lessons from either previous instruction, or through the help of others later on in their careers.

Eventually, the Wings of Freedom group gained members outside of the original three, and continued to grow into the Wings of Freedom Orchestra. Rumors sparked that a tragedy had befallen the orchestra, but they gave no comment on the matter during the pressing interviews. Just like Mikasa, no one knew who they were, and from the looks of it they intended to keep it that way. Mikasa’s mother and father listened to them quite often and had multiple copies of their albums scattered around the house. Sometimes, Mikasa would pick whichever album she found first and put it in the CD player. Her parents would listen with her, and sometimes that’s how they would spend an entire afternoon, making up for the chores around the farm in the early hours of the next morning.

The crowd chanted her stage name, “Gumi, Gumi, Gumi!” with a roar of thunderous applause to accompany it.  Mikasa smiled while waving her hands to the cameras, her cheeks squeezing her eyes shut as she did so. “Gumi” danced around the stage, rallying the crowd up more for the last night of her “Candy Tour”. The bass boomed, preparing for the first song, and was shortly followed by fireworks bursting behind her while rainbow stage lights pranced everywhere. People all over the world came to hear her voice and the music she had to share with them. This was the last performance for her second tour run, all the rows were filled, and people were running over each other just to see her.

Mikasa apprehensively raised the mic to her lips, focusing on the screen overhead. She saw herself, the outfit and glitter pronouncing her childish features. Mikasa became mesmerized, and memories of hard work flickered through her mind. Her father taught Mikasa how to sing, and her mother taught piano. Everything they taught in their lessons helped mature Mikasa’s musicality to what it was now. Mikasa turned to her parents and mouthed, “I love you guys!” Mikasa’s parents appreciatively nodded their heads with knowing smiles and mouthed back “We love you too!”

Mikasa raises her hand in the air and shouts, “All right guys, let’s go!!!! Candy! Candy! Candy, candy, caan-dyy! ”

As the intro to the song, “Candy, Candy” began, the crowd roared with excitement. She skipped across to one end of the stage, her poofy dress galloping along with her. Mikasa dipped her gloved hand and ran to the opposite end while high fiving her fans. Her pink boots squeaked along the floor as she raced to the other side.

“Tsukue, toka poketto toka, Kaban mo naka ni mo ne!”

The crowd sang and chanted the sounds along with her while waving their neon glow sticks to the rhythm. Mikasa’s ribbons fluttered along with her dance and she pretended to eat candy, continuing the song.

“Itsudatte wasurezu aru yo, Nani wo erabou kana!”

This was Mikasa’s last “Candy Tour”; there was no going back after this.

She scanned the crowd while posing, pointing her hand to the crowd from left to right. The stage was brightly decorated with oversized, inflatable candy. Mikasa made her way to the big Jolly Rancher and pretended to take a large bite out of it.

“Chotto, chotto honno chotto de, Shiawase wa umarete!”

She shook her head and smiled; they really loved her - her fans loved the music she fed them.

“Amai kuuki ga fuwafuwa punpun shinakute sumu desho!”

Mikasa twirled her skirt once more as all the lights fell on her, producing a diamond-like glow from the glare of the glitter.

“Candy! Candy! Candy, candy, can-dyy! Sweetie! Sweetie! Girrrrlllls love! Chewing! Chewing! Chewing, chewing, chewing! Cutie! Cutie! So, candy lov-”

It was instantaneous. A firework exploded on stage, snagging an electrical cable along with it. The cable whipped around the stage angrily as the explosion started a fire on the back drop curtains. Stage runners rushed to defuse the electric cable while others ran from backstage to try to extinguish the fire. The chanting stilled to an eerie silence as the stunned crowd watched. Another cable snapped, cutting a stage runner’s arm off. The cameras were capturing everything, the cable slicing the young man’s arm off, the growing flames devouring the backdrop curtains. Something clicked in the audience’s collective minds, and the stunned silence instantly transformed into full-blown panic. People began screaming, tripping over each other as they ran to the emergency exits. Children were crying with their moms and dads, while others fell and got trampled over- heels, shoes digging into their backs and heads as the eruption of panic overwhelmed the crowd. Mikasa watched blankly as humanity left the room. Those people, they only cared about themselves.

_I thought… I thought... people were loving creatures?_

Mikasa gawked at the sight of selfish people hurting each other to save their own skins. They didn’t care who got in their way; they would watch them die if it meant surviving. The fire swelled and engulfed the entire stage in flames. Time seemingly came to a standstill, and all that Mikasa could hear was the screaming of her fans. She grimaced as she watched people push aside children to increase their odds of making it out alive. Her stance faltered as she continued to stare at her fans. She was transfixed; she couldn’t look away. Everything she worked for was unraveling at an alarmingly fast pace, and she could feel her grip on reality loosening. Her fingers loosened as well, allowing the microphone to slip and slam against the ground. An ear-piercing screech erupted from the audio systems, adding to the devastating feeling of the situation. She covered her ears and fell to her knees, sobbing uncontrollably as the fire continued to rise. People were dying out there, and there was nothing she could do about it… And that’s when it hit her. Her parents were back stage.

“Mom! Dad!”

Mikasa stumbled as she hastily got up, and darted to the back stage. The young musician shielded her eyes and face from the fire as she ran in, and briefly panicked when she realized that her dress was on fire. She screamed as she quickly ripped off the dress, fighting the urge to go into full-panic mode. She hastily stripped to her shorts and under shirt but kept her boots on to step over the embers.  Thick, black smoke was smothering the remaining stragglers, causing Mikasa to start violently coughing. People were running everywhere, either to safety or to try and stop the fire. It was getting hard to see past all the smoke, and the scorching heat accosted her eyes even more. The beams of the stage were beginning to stagger and seemed close to giving way. Tears welled up in Mikasa’s eyes again as she ran her fingers through her hair wildly while screaming, “Mom?! Dad?!”

A stage runner passed by and Mikasa grabbed him by the arm. Squinting through the smoke, she realized that it was her uncle and shouted, “Have you seen my parents, Uncle Hannes?!”

He nodded while shielding his eyes from the oppressing smoke. “Yes, they were helping people evacuate. They’ve probably made it out by now, you should get out of here!”

Mikasa shook her head vehemently. “Not until I know for sure they made it out!”

With an exasperated sigh, Hannes picked her up and began running further backstage. “Right, let’s go find them then.” He carried Mikasa like a baby as he ran around searching through the places he last saw her parents, some too hot to pass through safely. The beams and pillars continued to moan from the fire’s heat and the debris that had piled on, adding weight to the crippling structures.

“Mikasa, this doesn’t look too good. We need to leave, now.”

“Not until we find my parents!”

Mikasa tried to contain an uncontrollable cough while hitting Hannes, and managed to distract him from making them leave too soon. He stopped to hand her a towel from his back pocket. “Alright, but only for a little longer. There isn’t much oxygen left, we have to hurry.”

“Right”, she weakly nodded. Moments later, Mikasa and Hannes noticed a couple running towards them with three others following behind them.

“Mikasa!”

Mikasa’s eyes lightened and a small smile formed as she left Hannes and ran, arms wide open to them. Her parents ran towards her, ready to embrace her and take her away from this catastrophe. Hope had lingered just a bit longer for her family. Mikasa could almost feel their hugs, their warm kisses and praises of ‘I love you’. She ran hard; she was so close now. Suddenly, the moans and whines from the stage grew louder as the faulty metal framework finally gave way, crumbling and crashing against the ground. Smoke and debris cluttered the air as Mikasa’s ears were deafened by the sound of metal scraping against metal; the pungent smell of burning flesh and rubber permeated the air and threatened to suffocate her. The unfortunate souls who did not escape from the cluster of burning pillars and beams were crushed beneath. Blood and fire intermingled as the victims moaned and tried to crawl out from underneath the pillars like a mouse would from a cat’s paws. Those people were doomed, and no one could save them. Even if someone were able to raise the pillars and beams off of them, their crushed and burnt bodies would be unable to survive the ride to the hospital, if their bodies were even still intact at all. The survivors left the others behind, not bothering to see if they could try to help them. Hannes clasped his hand over his mouth and turned around to vomit the dinner he had earlier that night, the horror and stress of seeing the dying people making his stomach swirl. Mikasa twisted and turned her head wildly, looking at each gruesome face of the dying victims. It was then, with complete despair, that Mikasa saw her dear parents trapped amongst the others.

“Mom, Dad, NO!”

Mikasa ducked underneath the burning debris to crawl her way to her parents. The gloves she was wearing caught fire, so she had to throw them off. Her hands and knees were burning, the heat effectively raising blisters on her skin. She was so close to them now, within arm’s reach, but that’s as far as she could get. Her father’s torso was crushed under the pillar, his eyes almost devoid of life. Her mother was only crushed from the waist down and was alive and alert, aware of their impending doom.

_Why is this happening? Why?!_

People were thrashing wildly as they caught fire, their skin peeling in layers. They were screaming and praying for God to save them, but God had left. Mikasa shut down, watching helplessly as the people surrounding her died, slowly coming to the conclusion that the same fate would befall her family. Before she slipped into hysteria, her mom touched her cheek while her dad softly clutched her scorched hands.

“Mikasa…we love you. Don’t forget that. Live your life. We believe in your strength.”

Mikasa’s dad weakly chirped in, “Baby girl, we will always love you, no matter what.”

“Hannes will take care of you.”

Mikasa’s tears came full throttle. “No! We’re going to make it, as a family! All of us! I can’t do this without you! I can’t! Mom, Dad! Don’t leave me, please!”

Mikasa lowered her gaze, sobbing while her parents cooed her. Her dad kissed her hand, as did her mom. Firemen, along with Hannes, started pulling Mikasa away, out of the fire. Hannes held Mikasa, but she kicked and screamed, begging them to let her stay there and die with her parents.

“I want to stay with Mom and Dad!”

Mikasa’s Dad was now lifeless while her mother reached out to the fire fighters. “Please, get her out of here and safe!” The rest of the firemen went to help the victims trapped under the pillars as Hannes ran with Mikasa to the safest exit. Her heart clenched as she realized that her parents were were going to die in there. She could not see the future without them; she couldn’t fathom how she was supposed to live on. Everything had crumbled, every emotion was dead inside her.

 _Look at the destruction my music brought,_ she thought. _If I had never sang, my parents would still be alive. This despair and agony, it is al my fault... I killed my parents._


	2. Three Years Later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As the title says, this is three years after the accident. Please enjoy, Levi will be coming up later on. Y'all need some back ground story first, then the fun begins! I promise, Levi will arrive shortly! As always, please enjoy!

Hannes opened the back door to the kitchen and unclasped the notches to his overalls. He checked his watch and remembered to start a load or two of laundry before bed. After hanging the overalls over a kitchen chair, he made his way over to the sink and started on the dishes. Today had been a long day’s work, especially considering the fact that Mikasa did not feel particularly helpful, not that he could blame her. Hannes rolled his shirt sleeves past his elbows and set the water to hot before reaching for a sponge. As he mindlessly washed the dishes, Hannes briefly recalled a time when he lived in the city. Back then, things were rocky; he was doing odd jobs here and there just to make a buck. It’s funny the way life works; it had taken losing his brother and sister-in-law to make him grow up and return home. Harsh reality can shape a man, and now he was left feeling years older than he actually was. His wrinkles had already begun to settle into creases in his face, and his once thick hair was reduced to thin, wispy strands.

 After the death of her parents, Hannes adopted Mikasa and had taken over the family farm. Things were never easy, and raising Mikasa on his owned proved to be challenging. Hannes felt inadequate, like a failure when it came to raising Mikasa. After the funeral, Mikasa stopped talking. Happiness had evaded her and sorrow settled in its place. Mikasa lost her spirit, and had given up singing. Soon the tears stopped, and instead she began to seclude herself from him. Being in the same house pained her - each room held some reference to a longed-for memory of when they were alive. Hannes and Mikasa agreed on keeping her parent’s room closed off, never venturing into that room, or even that part of the house.

Hannes stilled at the thought of his brother, and sighed. He always had it together. His brother was a natural at being a dad… Hannes, not so much. He didn’t know the first thing about being a parent, or how to help Mikasa mature and move past the tragedy that had befallen them. It had been three years, and he cringed at the thought of how he let Mikasa’s sanity slip through his fingers. Hannes homeschooled her, and willed her to leave the farm and see the world for its beauty, but things never seemed to work out. No matter what he did, his niece was closed off to everyone and everything, especially him. Mikasa stopped coming around, eventually leaving him to sulk in silence. The only comfort he could give her was when he talked about her parents, but after a while it only made things worse for her, so that stopped.

Living on the farm again was hard at first, but Hannes’ body grew accustomed to the extensive labor over the span of a few months. When he was lucky, sometimes he could convince Mikasa to leave her room and help with the chores. Most of the time she would, because without her nothing would ever get finished. After she finished her work, Mikasa always made a beeline for the house, and locked her door shut. Hannes wondered what she did in there all day, but never thought it right to ask. They’d spend their days together, wordlessly caring for the farm and fixing the house. Mikasa was nearing the age of fifteen, and she didn’t have any friends or hobbies. He had to think of something, and fast.

_Brother, what would you have me do? How am I supposed to help your daughter when I can barely keep myself together?_

Hannes grabbed a rag to dry his hands and discarded it in the dirty clothes hamper. The tired man rubbed his cracked hands, feeling the built up calluses scrape against each other. Hannes admitted to himself, adopting a broken child at the age of thirty-six had its challenges, but he loved his niece and accepted it. The tragedy had broken them, and Hannes could only idly stand by as they fell into the depths of depression. Hannes seated himself onto the couch with a yawn and ran his hand through his thinning hair. People are naturally weak, but Hannes was even. His heart ached when he thought over how stupid he was. He was unable to mend his niece’s broken heart.

_How can I make Mikasa happy when she’s lost so much?_

The cameras inside the stadium had recorded everything, from the fans trampling over each other to the beams falling. News reporters on the scene aired the footage for months, and endlessly reviewed each disturbing moment piece by piece. Rumors sparked that “Gumi” was presumably dead, and fans from across the globe flocked to candlelight vigils in honor of her supposed passing. Mikasa quit singing; the inspiration that once ignited her soul had snuffed itself out. Hannes couldn’t blame her; she watched her parents die. Who in their right mind would want to sing after that? The old man flipped on the TV and skimmed through the channels, nothing really catching his interest. He had never experienced that kind of trauma before. If he could barely keep it together himself, how was he supposed pull Mikasa out of this rut? Hannes’ phone buzzed, reminding him to run an egg delivery tomorrow morning. The groggy man sat up and walked towards the back room, inspecting the crates and opening them to double check his work.

“Yep, it’s all here.”

The old geezer started a load of overalls in the washer and made a mental self-note to change them over before leaving tomorrow. Hannes made his way over to his bedroom to begin his nightly routine: brush his teeth, set the alarm, sleep. He settled himself into bed and rolled over as his eyes fixated on the portrait resting on his bedside table. Reaching over, he accidentally knocked it to the floor and cursed, not wanting to leave the warmth of his bed. Hannes grabbed it and jumped back into bed while smiling at the photo. It was the day Mikasa was born. His brother was so excited to finally hold his daughter. Mrs. Ackerman was sitting up in her bed, while his brother held Mikasa on the couch next to her. His brother had a sparkle in his eyes when he held his daughter, and smiled at her with such love and adoration. Hannes was merely handing his brother’s wife a cup of water when the nurse had, for some reason, decided to take a photograph of that exact moment for the family. Hannes set the photo back down in its original place and pulled the blankets to his chin.

_I’ll take her with me on the delivery tomorrow morning. I think I should just… talk to her.  
_______________________________________________________________________________

**BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!**

Hannes woke up to his alarm, irritatingly smashing the snooze button.

_5:07 already? Damn it_

He sighed in defeat and angrily removed his legs from the cluster of blankets. Hannes scraped the accumulated crud from his eyes and yawned. The day had barely begun and he was already wishing it was over. As he undressed and mentally ran through his checklist, Hannes walked to the washer room to change the laundry over while muttering to himself, “Clean the pens, check the garden, oh right, delivery. That’s today.” Hannes turned to Mikasa’s door and lightly knocked on it. “Mikasa, I need your help on this delivery, please.” Hannes waited for a reply and as the seconds ticked by he began to think she might not come out after all. Then he heard a faint scuffle and the door clicked open.

“Okay.”   
His eyes glimmered like Christmas lights, but the only thing that Mikasa could think of was how to make this delivery as quick and painless as possible. She hated venturing out, but didn’t feel right leaving Hannes to do all the work. Mikasa closed the door again to get ready, throwing on an old pair of jeans and a shirt before putting on her shoes and socks. After brushing her teeth in the bathroom, she grabbed a water bottle from the kitchen before heading to the back room with Hannes.

As she walked over to the crates of eggs, she couldn’t help but remember when her parents used to do this with her. Her skin prickled at the uneasy feeling the room gave her, and knelt down to pick up a crate. Her freshly awakened body ached and screamed in protest, God, she wished she was still asleep. They stacked the crates in Hanne’s faded blue pickup, and carefully adjusted them for the haul. Mikasa’s uncle climbed into the driver’s side and waved his hand for Mikasa to jump in the back. She climbed over the tailgate and sat down in a corner next to the crates. The truck rattled as it ran over bumps in the road, stirring up dust clouds behind them.

_I can’t wait to be home already._

______________________________________________________________________________

“Well, we have three left.”

Mikasa and Hannes each picked up a crate and headed over to the Arlet’s house. She looked at the ground while steadying the crate’s weight against her chest.

_I haven’t been this far away from the farm in months._

On accident, someone bumped into Mikasa, and her legs toppled over as she fell face first on the sidewalk. The crate skirted across the pavement and burst open, eggs splattering all along the sidewalk. Mikasa slowly rose to her knees and all she could see is red. She hastily looked up and saw two shorties with blonde hair.   
“Who the fu-”

The girl grabbed Mikasa’s shoulders and cried, “I’m so sorry! I should’ve been paying attention! Please forgive me!” Mikasa was dumbfounded at the invasion of her “personal bubble”. Hannes almost never hugged her, let alone got within two feet of her. The blonde sank to her knees and pressed her face into Mikasa’s chest as she continued to sob, “I’m so sorry!” Mikasa felt disgusted as the whiny brat ruined her shirt with snot and tears. Mikasa’s mouth gaped open to yell at the idiot to get off her, but couldn’t find the drive to once she hugged her tighter. Mikasa stared while raising her hand to the blonde’s shoulder, and asked her politely, “Please get off of me.” The girl removed her face from Mikasa’s shirt and smiled, “Oh, sorry about that.” As she removed herself, Mikasa pinched at her shirt and grimaced; the snot and tears had soaked in so deep that they had dampened her bra.

 _This is the only ‘good’ bra I have too…_          

The guy next to her seemed awkward as he tried to defend his twin sister’s actions. Mikasa shook her head as she stood up. “I don’t care, please don’t do that again.” Hannes scratched his head as he looked down at the spilt eggs all over the concrete, and his shoes. “Well, there goes our delivery.” The twins looked down with their guilt stricken faces as Mikasa checked the crate to see if any eggs were salvageable, but it was all for naught. She looked up at Hannes and shrugged her shoulders as he gritted his teeth in irritation. Hannes grabbed his chin as he thought over how many eggs they had left back at the farm. “We don’t have enough to give the Arlerts. We’ll just reimburse them or something.” he said as he threw his hand in the air. As Mikasa and Hannes walked away with the broken crate, the boy spoke up, “Wait a minute, those eggs were meant for our parents.” Hannes turned around and shifted the weight of the crate to his hip, “And? What do you plan on doing about it, Arlert?” Mikasa looked at Hannes quizzically.

_This is so unlike him, just what is the old man getting at?_

Mikasa returned her attention to the twins. The girl nudged the boy’s shoulder and continued, “We’ll tell our parents what happened, and we’ll pay them back. It was my fault any way!” The girls nudged her brother again and whispered, “Well don’t be rude, introduce us!” The boy blushed and stammered, “Oh, uh, my name is Armin, and this is my twin sister Krista. We’re the Arlert twins.” Hannes grabbed his chin for a moment with a malicious gleam in his eyes, “What exactly are you two doing tonight?” Krista pointed to herself and then to her brother, “You mean us?” Hannes lost his cool, not that he had any to begin with, and yelled while flailing his arms, “Of course I mean you two! Who else? Answer my question!”

Krista winced at his sudden outburst and whined back, “Hey! That’s no way to treat someone!” The old man’s patience was wearing thin as he stomped his boot, “Damn it, answer me! You’re the one who broke the eggs!” he said while angrily pointing his finger in Krista’s direction. Krista blinked and a sullen look crossed her cute features as she nervously picked at her sleeve. “I didn’t mean to…” Krista pouted as she crossed her arms. “Why does it matter what we’re doing tonight anyway?” Hannes grinned and waved his hand in the air with an arrogant flamboyance, “Don’t you think you owe my niece more than an apology? Why don’t y’all take her out for dinner tonight?” Mikasa’s ears pricked up and she tilted her head in disapproval. “Hannes what are you-”

“Isn’t that fair?”

Mikasa rolled her eyes and readjusted the broken crate’s weight in her arms, she really didn’t have time for this shit. All she wanted to do was go home. That’s it.

“Whatever.”

Armin raised his focus to Mikasa, who looked relaxed, if not uncaring, and then back to his sister. “I don’t think we’re doing anything tonight anyways.” Krista brushed her hair back and jumped up and down excitedly, “Sure! Sounds fun! Just don’t be so rude next time mister!” she commanded. The old man brushed her off as he walked back to the truck with Mikasa. “Yeah, yeah, sure thing. Your parents know where my farm is. Pick her up by 5:30 that should give y’all some time.” Armin and Krista nodded and chirped in unison, “See you Mikasa!” waving her off as they left for school. Mikasa blankly stared at them, causing Armin to nervously turn away. She threw the crate into the truck bed, and sat in the passenger seat, not bothering to put her seatbelt on.

“I’m not going.”

Hannes jumped in and slammed the rusty door shut, fingering through his shirt pocket for his keys. The old truck thrummed to life and Hannes shifted into reverse, looking in the rearview mirror as the truck slowly backed out of the driveway.

“Sure you are.”

Mikasa stared at him a bit longer and crossed her arms. “I said I’m not going.” The old man solemnly grinned, and patted Mikasa on her shoulder. “Please, just for me?” She scowled and looked out the window, too mad to look at his face. “But I don’t want to talk to them. I don’t want to leave my room. Today was more than enough for me.”

_The fuck…?_

“I just think you’ll regret it if you don’t. Your parents wouldn’t want you to stay cooped up at the farm like this.” Mikasa tsk’d at Hannes’ comment and clenched her crossed arms closer to her chest. The comment had unsettled her, and a sick feeling slowly made its way into her stomach. Mikasa wiped the sweat that had beaded on her forehead with the back of her hand. The humidity was adding fuel to her irritation; even with the windows rolled down, it was no match for a July afternoon. Hannes murmured something about a wash rag in the glove box to wipe her face with, so she pried the squeaky compartment open and pulled out an old stained rag. Mikasa eagerly wiped her face and tossed it to Hannes, who also wiped his face appreciatively. They stayed quiet for the remainder of the trip, leaving Mikasa to dwell in her thoughts. She considered the different ways she could worm her way out of this, but ultimately decided she was doomed anyway. Mikasa hated, in fact, _despised_ socializing, much less leaving her room. Tonight she was going out, and it was going to suck, but she wasn’t going down without a fight. They were nearing the farm as Mikasa carefully picked her words for the argument she was about to ensue.

The sputtering truck eased into the driveway and parked. Hannes turned the keys and handed them to Mikasa, who threw them inside the glove box. After what felt like an agonizing twenty seconds of silence, Mikasa snapped, “You know I hate going out.”   
Hannes chuckled while wiping his dripping face. “Yeah I know.” She slammed her fist onto the middle console and whipped her head to him, “Yeah? Then you also know how furious I am at you right now! This has nothing to do with my parents, let alone those twins!” Before Mikasa could say another word, the old man looked at Mikasa with an expression full of regret.

“I’m sorry, that was wrong of me, but I meant what I said. You shouldn’t lock yourself up all the time like this, it isn’t _healthy,_ Mikasa.” He leaned back in his seat and interlaced his hands on his chest. “I just want to see you happy again. Seeing you this way, it kills me inside. I know I can never replace your parents, and I’ll never be father of the year, but damn it, I care about you. I don’t want to see you hurt.”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet, and Mikasa curiously looked over as he flipped through the pictures in the plastic-sealed files. He stopped on a picture of her parents and Mikasa smiling for a family portrait and stifled a sob in his throat.

“Every day I live my life full of regret, Mikasa. Right before your parents died, I got into a petty argument over this damn farm with them. I suggested we sell it for profit but they wouldn’t have none of that. I was an ignorant fool… I stomped off and told them to leave me out of it and that I wouldn’t be around anymore. Now all I want to do is work on this farm, so I can feel closer to my family, because it is all we have left, Mikasa.”

His lip quivered as images of his brother’s burned body flickered across his mind, and the tears came pouring down. Mikasa awkwardly hugged him from the side as he gripped onto his wallet and cried. She internally recognized his grief, and compared his to that of her own. At least she got to tell them goodbye, and that she loved them. Hannes didn’t have that luxury. Mikasa sighed and rested her head on his shoulder in understanding, “Okay Hannes. I’ll go.”

______________________________________________________________________________

 Mikasa put on her best dress and went to her mirror. The yellow sundress accentuated the lack of curves on her body, but at the very least it gave the appearance of a slight rump on her chest. She sighed in annoyance and rummaged through her closet again, and once again found nothing that she liked. There was absolutely nothing to wear for the evening. Mikasa yanked her white sandals off the door rack and plopped down on her bed with an _oomph_. At first the task seemed simple: open the clasp and place metal bend through the desired hole in the strap. Simple enough, right? Wrong. The clasp refused to slide down the strap, and the hole she normally used was worn out and ripped to the side. So, she had to either use the too big hole or the too fitted one. She sighed in frustration as she fidgeted with the clasps around her ankles, deciding to go with the loose one.

_When was the last time I’ve worn these? I don’t remember this being such a hassle._

After finishing up with her shoes, Mikasa went back to the mirror and messed with her hair. She picked up her brush and worked her way up to the roots of her hair, and detangled all of the knots from today’s chores. Mikasa braided her hair, and pushed a white headband on to prevent fly-aways. She tilted her face in different directions and checked over her work.

_Not too shabby._

She looked back at her alarm clock and assumed that it was just about time to be waiting in the living room for the twin’s arrival. Suddenly there was a soft rapping on the door and Mikasa yelled out, “It’s unlocked.” Hannes came in and awkwardly moved around the mess of clothes and shoes on the floor to sit down on her bed. He looked around, taking mental notes on the state of her room, and clasped his hands cheerfully.

“I see you might need a new wardrobe?” 

Mikasa turned to face him. “Yeah, seems about that time. I keep getting taller. This dress used to meet me mid-calf. Now it’s to my knees.”

Hannes nodded his head, “Noted.”

Mikasa took a seat next to him and hugged him. “I don’t know how to talk to people.” Hannes coughed at her comment and shook his head with a smile. “Don’t worry, I’m sure Krista will do most of the talking for you.” He patted Mikasa on the back in reassurance. “You’ll be fine, so don’t fret.” 

She lifted her head at the sound of the doorbell and left to answer it with Hannes trailing behind her. “If you say so old man.”

_Why am I so nervous?_

Mikasa opened the door to Krista and a silver minivan parked beside Hannes’ truck. The young blonde smiled politely and grabbed Mikasa’s arm affectionately, “You ready, Mikasa?”

She looked back to Hannes worriedly, who shooed her off with his hands. “Go have fun Mikasa, I’ll be here when you get back.”

The young teen nodded as Krista pulled her back to the minivan. The van door slid open with Armin propping it to the side. He held out a hand to help them in and slammed it shut before returning to his seat. Mikasa, with surprised look on her face, immediately noticed three other unexpected people sitting in the van as well.

“Mikasa”, Krista began as she settled into her seat, “we brought a few friends along with us. This is our older brother, Reiner.” She motioned to an older-looking guy with a stern face sitting in the driver’s seat, and all though he looked mean, she got the feeling he was a nice guy for some odd reason. “And this guy right here is our friend, Jean”, she stated while pointing to a boy close to her age who sported a fluff of mousy brown hair on top of a faded undercut. “And that guy back there, he’s our friend Eren”, she finished, gesturing towards the green-eyed boy in the back seat. Both boys perked up at her introduction, and at the same time they blushed and turned away from her gaze. Weird. Are they brothers or something?

“Um, it’s n-nice to meet you all…” Mikasa nervously stammered out.

_Not really…_

Mikasa made her way towards the back, looking quietly at the boy sitting in the window seat. He turned his head from the window and paused briefly as Mikasa stood hunched over awkwardly in the enclosed space, waiting for him to move so that she could sit. He scooted closer to the window and murmured an apology once she settled down in her seat. The tight space in the very back seat was unwelcoming, especially with her having such a close proximity to this other stranger. He looked at her too long, and fidgeted too much next to her. She felt sweat begin to bead on her forehead as she tried to mentally prepare herself for a long night in too many people’s presence.

_This is going swimmingly._

The green-eyed boy shuffled in his seat once more before buckling his seatbelt. Armin turned his head around, looking at Mikasa with a worried expression. For a moment, she felt incredibly unconfident.

_Is there something wrong with the way I’m dressed?_

“Why are you staring at me?” she snarled.

Armin winced and twiddled his thumbs nervously. “It’s just, Reiner won’t start the car until everyone’s buckled up, and you’re the only one without a seatbelt on, Mikasa.”

Heat rose to her face as Krista and undercut-guy turned to face her, and she felt the driver stare at her sternly through the rearview mirror. She bit the knuckle of her pointer finger as she fingered her way through the seat cushion to find the buckle. The boy who sat next to her helped by reaching in and pulling the buckle out, holding it as she clicked in the seat belt. He raised his face to her own and blushed at the uncomfortable closeness.

“Uh, sorry” he mumbled, turning his face quickly as Mikasa readjusted his posture. She bashfully apologized to Armin for snapping at him, but he waved her off.

“It’s fine, most people around here don’t bother with it, but my family always buckles their seatbelts.” He pointed a finger to his seatbelt with a grin. “Safety first! Fun later!”

The green-eyed boy laughed and Krista turned around to give him a scowl. “Do you have to be so mean, Eren?”

“Oh, sorry, I just think it’s funny how quirky Armin is.”

Krista rolled her eyes, and turned back in her seat.

“Please excuse our friend, Eren”, she apologized to Mikasa. “He can be a bit of a butt sometimes.” The guy named Jean piped in, “Yeah, he’s an idiot.” Eren smirked and waved Jean off, “At least I don’t have a horse face.” Jean turned around in his seat, “Shit head.” “Ugly.” “That’s the best you got Eren?” Eren shrugged him off, “Just shut up.” Mikasa could’ve sworn she could see the electricity pass between their angry glares.

The driver revved up the engine and smiled in the rearview mirror.

“Sorry Mikasa, we didn’t mean to embarrass you or anything. Do you know what you want to eat?”

Mikasa grabbed her braid and nervously tightened the hair tie. Being around new people made her feel uncomfortable, but if Hannes trusted them then she could too. The van shifted into reverse and pulled out of the gravel driveway. Krista perked up, “Mikasa, if you’re not sure, we can go to our house and cook something for you if you’d like!”

 “Or I can list off some nearby restaurants for you too!” Armin chimed in.

Mikasa scrunched up her dress in her lap, and kept her gaze low. The delayed response gave a new definition to ‘awkward’. They stared and anxiously awaited her answer, but all she could give them was a shrug of the shoulders. Talk about a rough night.

_I haven’t eaten out in years. I don’t even know what I like._

Mikasa suddenly felt a gentle tap on her shoulder.

“Hey, you okay?”

She shook her head. “I don’t know what to eat.”

Eren hesitated for a moment and came to a solution. “Could we possibly take you to our favorite place?”

Krista clapped her hands excitedly while Armin nodded his head in agreement. “It’s a great place Mikasa, I think you’ll like it!”

She looked back to Krista and Armin and nodded. “Okay, sure.”

______________________________________________________________________________

Mikasa gripped onto the sides of her dress and grimaced, focusing on ways to not seem too displeased with the restaurant they had so graciously taken her to. The aroma of fryer grease and sweat wafted through the air, and the place seemed to be deteriorating along with it. Everyone seemed so fully convinced that this was the place to be. Her stomach rolled at the thought of just looking at the food they served here. Armin and Krista nearly jumped out of the car and dragged her along with them just to eat _here_. Eren and Reiner kept snickering to themselves as they watched Mikasa slightly cringe when she sat down in the booth. Someone had left her a special “surprise” stuck underneath the table, and upon scooting into the table she bumped her knee into a warm, freshly chewed wad of bubble gum. She shuddered as Krista tried to wipe it off her knee and dress with a napkin.

_I hate it already._

Reiner covered his mouth with a bemused smirk across from where she was sitting.

“I don’t think Mikasa likes it here guys, y’all might’ve made her night terrible.”

Krista shook her head and tsk’d at him.

“Reiner! Don’t say things like that! Don’t you like it here, Mikasaaa?”, she inquired, drawing out the ‘sa’ in her name as she looked upon the girl for some kind of approval. Mikasa narrowed her eyes at Reiner and Eren, who just kept laughing.

“Yeah. It’s great.”

Krista smiled and cheered. “See? I told ya!”

Mikasa placed her face in her hands and felt a kick from in front of her. Attempting not to cry out in anger and storm out of the place, she gave Eren a deadly glare, who of course, giggled like an idiot in response. He nudged her with the tip of his shoes and mouthed, “Relax.”

_Relax? Are you fucking kidding me?_

He took the hint from the anger rolling off of her, and murmured an apology and something about her looking cute when she’s angry. His friends began to make fun of him with dumb remarks about being “love stricken” with Mikasa, and having the case of the “love bugs”. Mikasa quirked an eyebrow at his lame confession, and dismissed it as a lie to play head games with her. Boys didn’t like girls like Mikasa; she was a hopelessly depressed victim who lost her parents too early. People like her never recovered, she soon discovered during those past few years of depression. When you helplessly watch as someone dies, it hardens you, and hardened she did. Mikasa practically cut Hannes off; she hated him to see her like this. She knew he felt guilty, she knew his pain, but she still selfishly locked herself away to hide from it all. How much longer was she going to spend in her room? After tonight, would anything change? She hopelessly thought through these things and came up without an answer. Before she could dwell any further the waiter popped up and asked for their drink orders. Everyone ordered some flavor of soda, and feeling pressured to be the same, she ordered a sprite.

_Why am I feeling pressured to be like them? I mean, I don’t care either way._

Krista pulled Mikasa out of her thoughts by hugging her too tightly, and resting her head on her shoulder.

“Oh Mikasa, I’m so glad you came! It’s really fun having you around!”

Armin gave Mikasa a thumbs-up and smiled at her, probably giving her a C-minus on her attempt at acting like a “normal” teenaged girl. Her eyes focused back on Eren and he blushed as they made eye contact, quickly darting his attention elsewhere. Despite her initial apprehensiveness towards Eren, and the entire night in general, Mikasa inwardly smiled. She couldn’t help but feel excited that a boy might actually _like_ her, and she confessed to herself that Eren’s affections were somewhat welcomed, though she would never admit it to anyone. People, outside of Hannes, never gave her much thought. Therapists looked at her like some damn customer ordering a Big Mac from McDonalds. Hannes pitied her and felt too guilty to really know what to do, other than say “sorry” about everything. Even though she was tense, and being pushed against a dingy wall from being hugged so hard, and had some annoying jerks, a.k.a Eren and Reiner, laugh at her misfortunes in the restaurant, she realized that she was actually quite content. Even Armin’s awkward smiles began to make her beam in happiness. Happiness was an unknown thing to her, but she desperately held onto the hope that she could experience it even longer. Slowly, she felt herself relax. She even laughed a little.

_Maybe, I can change._

Over the course of the night, Mikasa had enjoyed the company of her newly found friends. She could finally feel again, and reveled in the cherished moments with her friends. They helped her grow, which helped Hannes and his crippled heart. Mikasa finally started talking to Hannes, and helped him realize that she never blamed him for being so depressed, and that he had done the best anyone could do. Their family bonded, and eventually added new members: Krista, Armin, Reiner, and Eren. After a couple of years, Mikasa acknowledged Eren as more than just a friend, and returned his affections. Their developed romance continued over the years, and Mikasa could feel again. She finally felt alive, after all the years of pain and numbness. But although things were changing for the better, all good things eventually come crashing down….


	3. washed up celebrity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to thank everyone who read, liked, kudoed, commenting, and bookmarked or followed this story!!!! Thank you so much! You all inspire me to write, and I can't thank you all enough!

Mikasa taps her finger on the grocery cart and impatiently checks the time while the old woman slowly writes her check. She sighs in frustration and can only imagine the odds of being behind the one person who still uses a check book. Her pen gradually etches in her shaky signature and Mikasa fidgets while chewing her bottom lip.

_What will Eren think?_

The elderly woman finally shuffles away and Mikasa pushes her cart forward, relieved to be next. As the cashier lazily picks up her items, Mikasa wonders what Eren is doing. Mikasa lowers her gaze to her left hand, feeling anxious about her return home.

_No ring yet, but maybe soon._

She thanks the cashier, and quickly stuffs the change into her purse. Mikasa inwardly panicked, running her fingers through her hair as she pushed her cart faster to the truck.

She checks her watch again, _Okay, 7:43. I can make it home by 8! It'll be okay. Just gotta calm down._

The keys click and rev up the engine, bringing the old truck stuttering back to life. Mikasa leaves the parking lot, idly allowing her mind to wander as she nears the highway. The traffic light in front of her flickers from yellow to red, and she sighs in frustration.

_Damn it all to hell._

She tosses her hair, and looks over to the car beside her. There's a happy family in a minivan singing a song together, cheerfully enjoying themselves. A brief pain emerges into her chest as her heart tears from the sight. The father uses his finger as a baton to conduct the rhythms for his family. The kids in the back seat, no more than 6 or 7, shout the song with their parents and wave their arms around cheerfully. 

_We used to be like that…_

She shakes her head and dismisses the family, sulking back into her seat with a freshly opened wound. She didn’t have time to be thinking about her parents right now. They were dead, and there was nothing she could do to change that. Returning her focus to Eren, she considered how things would pan out if they were still alive. Would they have approved of Eren? Would she be-

  _Free?_

Mikasa shook her head, of course she was free. Eren loved her and let her out of the house. He even sometimes permitted her to go on walks through the nearby park.

_Those words… “let” and “permitted”…_

The light turns green which abruptly halts any lingering thoughts about Eren. The truck slowly shifts into gear, but has to brake when she turns onto the highway. Rows upon rows of cars are stacked to the brim, and everyone is at a standstill. She rises in her seat to peer overhead, shifting her gaze around the cars to catch a glimpse. Mikasa mutters to herself, "Please don't tell me this is a wreck. Please, please, please", and as if on cue, sees an ambulance roasr onto the scene along with two police cars.

_Today of all days, really?_

She slumps back in her seat and softly beats her head against the steering wheel with an irritated sigh.

_Well, there goes my plans for tonight._

……………….time lapse…………………………………………..

Mikasa pulls into the driveway, quickly unfastening her seat belt. She moves her sleeve up to check the time.

_8:36? Damn it._

Mikasa grabs the vodka she picked up earlier today, and as much of the groceries as she can. The screen door whines as she hastily opens it to unlock the wooden door behind it. She fumbles with the lock, trying to budge the door open with her hands full of groceries.  The rusty trailer rattles as she bursts through the front door and upon walking in, Mikasa sees Eren on the sofa. He had changed so much in the few years they had been living together. His once bright eyes only dulled after years of drinking and working himself to death. His hair clung to his now slightly wrinkled features. He didn’t even acknowledge her presence except when necessary. Eren’s gaze reached hers then turned back to T.V., muttering something about the game before drifting off into his thoughts. The trailer was dimly lit, so she could not make out his facial expression, but smiles at him anyway. They had been living together for almost 3 years now, since she was 18. It wasn’t much by any means, but it was theirs and that’s what mattered.

_Well, he seems okay._

Mikasa nervously apologizes for being late, and goes on about the wreck on the highway, and the trouble it caused everyone. He absently nods his head, too focused on the TV to really hear what she says. Relief washes over her, he doesn’t care today. Perfect. Mikasa kicks the door shut behind her and makes her way to the kitchen. She settles the bags on the table to prepare separated refrigerator goods and canned goods.  

_TGIF. I’m exhausted._

While Mikasa turns around to place the milk in the fridge, some cans topple over, knocking over the Vodka. It clinks against the table then rolls off to the edge where the table leg dips slightly. She lunges to catch it, but to no avail it falls and shatters. Shards of glass scatter along the kitchen floor and the pungent odor of liquor fills the small room as the liquid pools around her feet. Mikasa’s thoughts scramble to find an answer,

_No, this isn’t happening._

 She feels the anger melting off of him, the tension building a fortress between the two of them. Mikasa shakes her head in disbelief, it didn’t used to be this way.

_This isn't happening. I was so close, not this, not now._

Mikasa’s attention flickers to Eren as he sighs and lazily removes himself from the sofa, popping his back as he stretches. He stumbles over to her while carrying his own bottle of Crown. He staggers closer to Mikasa, crunching the glass underneath his boots and points to the mess, “You do know what this means, right Mikasa?”Mikasa can't look away from the mess, when had it become so hard to breathe?

_No this isn't happening._

 In the last few moments she has left, Mikasa mentally prepares herself. In the corner of her eye she sees Eren reach towards her. She has maybe a second left? Mikasa scrunches up her nose from flinching and her body braces for impact.

_What will it be tonight, Eren?_

He yanks her up by the collar of her shirt and slurs, "Don’t you understand what you’ve done?!"  Mikasa gently places her hands over his and reassures him, "The liquor store is still open nearby Eren, I can get another. It'll be okay, don't worry please?" He belligerently shakes his head in disapproval with a scowl on his face, “I’m not worried, I’m furious! That was my bottle Mikasa!” Mikasa rubs her thumbs over his and coos him, “I know Eren, and I’m sorry. Let me fix it.”

Eren lowers his face to hers his foul breath fans against her face, "You think this is okay? Now there's a damn mess on the floor!"

Mikasa's heart sinks, she can’t placate him, and it’s all over now. Eren tosses her, and Mikasa’s back collides with the kitchen’s counters. The rest of the groceries fall over onto the floor producing large clinking sounds as they hit the shards of glass. She gasps at the onslaught of pain running up and down her spine. The alcohol stings and laps at the cuts in her hands and knees as she tries to sit up. Mikasa frantically scurries past Eren to leave, but Eren is quicker and grabs ahold of her hair, pulling her up to face him. His unfiled fingers dig into her sensitive scalp, and she cries out in pain before clawing at his hinds but is interrupted, "Shut up! This is your fault, you have to pay for it!"

Eren slams her face down into the tiled floor, shaking the trailer as he repeatedly crunches her face. Mikasa desperately grips her nails into his arm, "Stop! Eren!" He grits his teeth as he rubs her face in it like a dog who pissed on the floor. The liquor manages to work its way into her eyes and nose and the burn feels like it’s peeling away the inside of her sinuses. She is temporarily blinded and lashes out at him, struggling to free herself. The burning sensation seeps into her being and soul, the only thing she can think of is how close it felt to being burned alive. Feeling a lot closer to the people who died that night. To her parents.

_This must be karma._

He yanks her head back and momentarily sees his face before slamming her against the tile again. Upon impact, a loud snap fills the room, and the taste of copper floods her nostrils. The cartilage is crunched together awkwardly, and she gingerly feels the foreign position of her now broken nose.

_Please stop Eren. I'm sorry. Please stop._

 Eren rubs her face in it, allowing the shards of glass to cut into her skin. It burns more with the vodka. She can feel her nose swelling now.

_I'm sorry, Eren._

 Eren towers over her fragile form and spits on her. He contorts his face in disgust and kicks her in the stomach before grabbing hold of her hair again. Her breath escapes her and the pain nearly unbearable, she can't breathe. Gasping, Mikasa grabs a hold of the kitchen counter as he lifts her up. The question lingers in the air as he drags her to the front door.

_Why does Eren hate me so much?_

She numbly feels around for his hands, weakly tugging at them to make him stop,

_What will it take to show that I love you, Eren?_

Mikasa looks up into his green eyes, and remembers the brief time before his mother died, how things used to be so different. She cringes and prepares for impact when he jerks the wooden door open, getting angrier that the screen door is in his way.

_I wasn’t able to satisfy him tonight. Shame on me._

Eren pushes her out the door, and watches as she falls on the ground. She struggles to get up, she can’t even crawl, and everything hurts.

 “Don’t come home, Mikasa.” She hears the door crack against the frame, and the dead bolt lock. Mikasa doesn’t move for a moment, she hugs herself against the cold ground. The chill of the air helps numb her face, thankfully it was fall. Her jacket was coated in blood and Vodka, the smell stung her already burning nostrils, but she couldn’t move. How could she?

_Everything is hopeless. Life is a cruel game._

Mikasa gingerly rises, using her arms to holster most of her weight. She crawls to the truck, and uses it to further lift herself off the ground. Mikasa feels empty, the bitter cold biting at her face but it feels so relieving against her swollen nose. She wipes the blood off her mouth, and waits a little bit to steady herself. She takes a glance back at the seemingly dull trailer.

_Only one place to go now._

 Mikasa limps along, pushing herself to make it out of the trailer park. Luckily, her trailer wasn’t far off from the city, particularly not that far away from her friend’s bar. It was a long walk, but not too bad.

……………..time lapse…………………….

She made it to the outskirts of the city, and as she passes people on the side walk, she becomes overwhelmed with shame and an ever present feeling of despair.

_Why did his Mom have to die? Things were so different before._

People notice her, but no one bothers to offer her any help. In fact, they seem to be trying to avoid her. Mikasa was a smudge on their perfect, clean little world. Cases like her never happened, and they blissfully ignored the broken nose, red eyes, and bruised face. They wouldn’t let her pain pop their bubble.

_I remember being ignorant. Just like them._

By the time she gets to the bar, it is 9:26 pm, the doors to the bar are about to open. She can hear Armin and Christa laughing about something as she heads to the back entrance. Mikasa knocks on the door, and hears Christa yelling, “I’ll get it!” as footsteps near the door. The locks click and the door knob turns, Christa peaks out and sees a woman, no, not any woman, Mikasa! Christa takes a minute to register what happened as Mikasa shamefully turns her face away. Christa shakes her head and opens the door, “Oh my God,” she softly whines to Mikasa as she pulls her in for a hug, “Mikasa…”

Armin walks back to see what was taking Christa so long and stops dead in his tracks, “Mi-Mikasa?”

Christa turns around, leading Mikasa to the bathroom and calmly asks Armin, “Get the first aid kit and some towels, then put a notice on the door that we’ll be opening an hour late. Hurry now.” Mikasa shifts her eyes away from both Christa and Armin, shame engulfing her. Armin stays put, watching as the women hurry off to the bathroom. Christa snaps at Armin, “Armin are you listening to me?!” He refocuses and scurries off, “R-Right!


	4. Cracked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR ALL THE SUPPORT!!! CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT YOU GUYS!!!! PLEASE COMMENT AND REVIEW SO THAT I MAY BETTER MYSELF AND KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS THINK OF THE STORY!!!!

Mikasa hunched over the bathroom counter while Christa tended to her wounds. She cursed herself for allowing this to happen. If she hadn’t dropped the damn alcohol, none of this would’ve happened. Mikasa winced as Christa picked at her sore face, she grimaced as the burning sensation followed soon after a glass shard was removed. However, no matter how hard she tried, Mikasa could not resist the need, the want to be in Eren’s arms. Things had fallen apart, and she scrambled to fit the pieces of her and Eren’s strained relationship together. How often had she come running back to this bar? How many times would it take to get Eren back?  Over the years she had patiently waited and waited for him, but nothing changed, no progress. The tweezers yet again tugged onto another glass shard, this time near her eye.

With each small pull came a newly reinstated feeling of pain, her eyes instinctively watered at the pain and Mikasa muttered curses under her breathe after Christa yanked the shard out. “Sorry, it was stuck.”  Her friend whispered while she continued to avoid eye contact with Mikasa. Her nose had swelled to twice its size within the hour, and her face burned, itched, and above all stung like hell. Nothing an icepack couldn’t fix she supposed. Her eyebrows furrowed at her thoughts, how had she become so pathetic? As her friends continued to fix her broken face, she silently wondered what she would have done in their place. Would she be so eager to help them, would she fight?

Armin asked Christa to stop for a moment, and gently gripped Mikasa’a face. Armin examined her nose from each and every angle as he assessed the state of her broken nose. His face turned squeamish as he pinched the loose cartilage, and snapped it back into place with a loud crack. Immediately following the realignment of her nose Mikasa’s face reddened as she fought the urge to scream from the immense pain that pulsated through her face. The nausea that threatened to come up wasn’t too thrilling either, and she nodded at Christa’s offer for a cold glass of water. She gulped the chilled water down with one swing and sighed appreciatively. She set the glass down, raising her hand dismissively as if she was fine and the glass of water had miraculously fixed her right up. She was far from all right, the love her and Eren shared was nearly dead, if it wasn’t already.

_Just shake it off Mikasa._

“That should hold it off for now, but you should really go to a hospital, there is only so much we can do Mikasa…” Mikasa refocused her attention to the floor while Armin and Christa silently took note of her face. They eyed her up and down, and a feeling of regret crept into her mind. Christa was ready to burst into tears, but no words would form. What _could_ she say to them? Sorry, I love my abusive boyfriend too much and only I can sorta understand why I’m staying with him, so trust me? They wouldn’t understand, no one could. Memories of the many times they sat in this bathroom obscured her line of thought while they all stood in silence. Mikasa contemplated leaving the now awkward situation, she should have never come here in the first place, especially right before they’re about to open.

She left her farm life with Hannes to live out her fantasy with Eren, but as the days passed things were seemingly bleak for her. Too poor for a real house, her and Eren enjoyed living together in their less than quaint trailer. However, the nights they spent together were filled with good times and love. Like the time Eren cooked fish for the first time, or the time after that when he accidently burnt his favorite shirt underneath the clothes iron. She subtly hung her head low with grief as the memories of _happier_ times with Eren clouded her aching head. She continued to painfully remember his warm hugs, the soft caresses he used to give her before bed; she needed so much from him, and he had given her so little in return. With each beating and snarl of his lips came a crushing blow to Mikasa, both physically and metaphorically speaking. Every time he lashed out, her pillars of hope crumbled, much like the beams that crushed her parents. Could Eren change back to his normal self again? Mikasa truly was a bird, trapped in Eren’s cage of abuse, and when she soared above him, he’d clip her flailing wings. Each and every time. Mikasa rubbed her eyes and winced as her nose stung at the small movement.

The astringent filled the room as Armin unscrewed the white cap and poured the hydrogen peroxide onto the cotton ball. The doctor in him calmly asked for her to brace herself, and proceeded to inform her of the procedure he was about to give her, if you could call it that. Armin rubbed the cotton onto her cuts, allowing the bubbles from the peroxide to surface any impurities and remaining shards. She clenched the counter and crossed her legs tightly, God she was tired of this shit, more specifically _Eren’s_ bullshit. Mikasa grinded her teeth at the pain and the irregular thoughts that formed in her confused mind. Damn it, what is with her today? Where in the hell were these thoughts coming from? Whatever, they’re _thoughts,_ not _actions,_ and that’s all they ever would be. Just thoughts. Mikasa looked back at Christa who was more silent than usual. No lecture today? As if, she’s probably waiting for the most opportune moment to rill me in. Succubus, or goddess as the boys who flocked around her had so lovingly dubbed. Too bad they’re barking up the wrong tree.

 

_Hopefully, this will all be over soon._

 

Christa bowed her head and sniffled a few tears. The tension in the room was coming close to boiling over, and Mikasa didn’t exactly want to stay for the lecture she was doomed to hear. They had grown tired of picking up her pieces, they were sick of the disgrace she had placed on them. She could feel it. “Christa…” she murmured, awkwardly trying to place her hand on Christa’s shoulder but was rejected with a menacing look. Mikasa sighed before she decided to settle her hands into her lap and sucked in a sharp breath as she waited for her lecture. The blonde looked up into Mikasa’s eyes and softly rested her hand on top on Mikasa’s, which caused Mikasa’s whole stance to slacken and regain her composure. She flickered her eyes back and forth between Armin and Christa, rest assured she was expecting the worse talking of her life concerning tonight’s _wonderful_ events. Armin uncomfortably shifted his weight to the opposite hip, and before Mikasa had the chance to burst beneath the tension, Christa finally spoke up, “How much longer, Mikasa? This isn’t _right_.” Mikasa resisted the urge to remove her hand as Christa squeezed it with an unbelievable amount of force, “It shouldn’t be this way, Mika. You deserve better.” Her blue eyes emitted waves of pain and understanding for her, Mikasa’s problems with Eren had ultimately became their problems. That familiar feeling of pain surfaced from the depths of her heart, the idea of _losing_ Eren ached her. As much as it hurt her friends, she _needed_ Eren. Be damned with the consequences. “I don’t care. Nothing will change my mind about Eren.”

 

_Eren doesn’t care about what happens to me. Why should I even bother?_

 

Mikasa blinked for a moment, and slowly replayed the treacherous thoughts in her head. How could she think of leaving him now? She kept her face stern and focused, not daring to show any signs of regret the moment Christa finally blew a gasket, “What do you mean you don’t care?! He doesn’t care about you Mikasa! Isn’t it blatantly obvious when he hits you?!” She flinched at the suggestive comment that Eren didn’t care. He had to care, some small part of him did anyway. Mikasa looked all around the bathroom as she fumbled for a straight answer, no, _excuse_ for Eren’s abusive behavior. She really tried to hold her ground, “You just, don’t understand him like I do, I bring it on myself most of the time.” Mikasa couldn’t give up now, especially when she was so close to _fixing_ him. Christa’s once pleasant face reddened with fury and a scowl that had made its way onto her girlish features, “No you don’t Mikasa! He is an abusive jerk, and you deserve better than that! Can’t you see how much we love and care about you?!” Mikasa shook the far too puzzling thoughts from her head and stepped away from the counter, having decided to retreat from her far too concerned friends. Mikasa gingerly padded the swollen bridge of her nose and as she looked back into the mirror, she couldn’t help but silently ask herself,

_What am I doing anymore?_

 

Christa grabbed hold of her hand, and forcibly pulled Mikasa to face her again. Her friend’s eyes had brimmed over with tears and her cute nose was flooded with snot. As she stood there, patiently awaiting the rest of Christa’s unheard words, she kept returning to her thoughts about Eren. Did she really care anymore, or was she just kidding herself? So many questions, and such little time to process and answer them all. Mikasa tuned out most of Christa’s yelling until she brought up that one fucking comment that always irked her, “What would your parents think?” She snarled her bruised lips and tore herself away from Christa, “Shut up. Don’t bring _them_ into this. They’re dead.” Christa eyes widened and she guiltily took refuge in looking at anything but Mikasa right now, “I just, Mikasa I-” Mikasa curtly interrupted and snapped at her friend again, slapping Christa’s hands away as she stood her ground, “What do you want from me, Christa?! You know damn well I can’t leave him! I love him!”

Here we go again, arguing about my wellbeing and shit. Christa’s pout came full throttle now as she wailed about friendship and that loving her included helping her in desperate times, which Mikasa assumed was now more than ever. Anger was soon replaced with regret, and Mikasa pulled the slobbering mess Christa was into a warm hug, “I’m sorry. I just, I really need to think and find a place to stay for the night. A lot is on my mind.” Christa hugged her back gently and nodded her head, “You should stay here, at least just for the night. You know we have a spare bedroom.” Mikasa sighed, and cocked her hip, and chanced a glance at Armin for backup, who unfortunately had a stern look on his face with his arms crossed. _Damn it._ Mikasa wished at this moment that she could shrink back as far away from Christa as possible, she really did hate hurting her. “I can’t do that. Eren needs me.” she said as she inwardly cringed at her curt reply once she noticed how Christa’s whole demeanor had sulked.

What was she saying? She didn’t have a home to go back to, she should have taken Christa’s offer. Christa’s voice hitched as she rubbed her eyes, “Please stay with us for the night, Mikasa. Don’t go back to him just yet.” Mikasa awkwardly tugged on her tattered scarf in embarrassment, and tried for the life of her to think of a way out of staying here. Mikasa sighed, she had nowhere else to go. As usual, she became painfully aware that Christa had successfully cornered and guilt tripped Mikasa into staying the night. She fully regretted her decision the moment the words left her mouth, “Fine. I’ll stay.” Christa’s eyes beamed and Mikasa’s irritation waned with an understanding of Christa’s good intentions. Christa had taken what little of Mikasa’s heart would give, and she held onto it dearly. Eren’s abuse strained their friendship, but no matter how many times Mikasa selfishly returned to Eren, they always welcomed her back with open arms. Mikasa gave them a small appreciative smile as the twins hugged her.

Christa sneezed as Mikasa’s tangled hair tickled her nose upon hugging her. The young blonde stood back for a second before snapping her fingers, “Of course, you’ll have to let me braid your hair Mikasa! You know how much I’ve always loved your long hair!” Christa beamed as she grabbed a pink brush from the bottom drawer. Mikasa had visibly slackened at the change of mood their situation rarely permitted. She was about to ask for Christa to hold off on braiding her hair so that she could shower, but Christa had already begun to pull the knots out. Mikasa supposed she didn’t really need a shower, everyone at the bar tonight would _obviously_ be there to drink. Smelling like alcohol wouldn’t throw any mixed signals to anyone. So, there she sat in the bathroom, smiling as an old friend braided her nappy hair. Maybe she could stay for a little while longer, she wasn’t so sure, but maybe she could try. Eren had kicked her out after all. She scoffed at the recent encounter with Eren, had she really _deserved_ to be thrown out of her _own_ house? Maybe not, but damn it, it was just a bottle of vodka she could have picked up from the corner liquor store. Maybe she did deserve it and was too stubborn to realize it, she didn’t know.

 

_I really need to clear my head._

 

Her face held no reflection of her inner confusion as Christa, and now Armin, had happily braided her hair into a near perfect French braid. They laughed together about Armin being girly, and Mikasa had to force out a chuckle to fit in amongst them again. Pretending to be happy while bearing this amount of pain had become a normal thing to her. While she calmly sat brewing in her thoughts, she had cracked beneath the pressure Eren’s hate. Mikasa’s heart had stood still for so long. Her world with Eren had fallen apart the moment his mother died, which left her alone to put back the pieces his mother left in her death. Mikasa’s stomach swirled at the conclusion that Eren may _never_ return back to his normal self. He could stay the same broken pile of mess he has been for years. Would she be okay with that? Christa pulled the end of her braid into a hair tie, and Mikasa halfheartedly appraised their work. Mikasa turned to them and nodded, “Thank you.” Christa asked her to wait before she ran to the back room. Mikasa looked to Armin for an answer but all he could give was a puzzled look and a shrug of the shoulders. Once she returned, Christa held out a white flowered head band in front of Mikasa. She smiled and lifted the head band onto her braid, “Finishing touches.”

As Christa fixed the band into place, Armin spoke up, “Annie left her clothes the other night, they should fit. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind you using them.” Mikasa’s ears perked up at Armin’s supposed to be unnoticed comment about Annie staying the night. Her thick eyebrows quirked and she grinned mischievously, “Annie stayed the night? I suppose, in your room?” Laughter bubbled out of Christa as Armin quickly tried to dissuade Mikasa, “No! I swear! She slept in Christa’s room! She didn’t have a ride and was too drunk to drive!” It was in these silly moments that Mikasa could feel a little bit happier. She could enjoy these small moments without the consequential backlash. Mikasa covered her mouth as she chuckled, “Uh huh, sure thing.” He pouted as he grabbed the medical bandages and slowly wrapped them around her face, “You can sleep in the guest room if you don’t want to hang around the bar tonight Mikasa.” She thought for a moment and waved off his offer, “I think I’ll stay out with both of you tonight,” she guiltily swung her head low, “I did make you open late after all.” Christa scoffed at her, “We’ve opened late plenty of times before, it’s fine Mikasa. We enjoy your company.” Mikasa warmly smiled, “All right, I’ll just sit at the bar while you guys work.” Armin fumbled with his hands, “I hope you enjoy yourself tonight Mikasa, we’ve always loved it when you came over.” Mikasa solemnly looked up to them both, “I’m sure I will.”

 

_Maybe Eren won’t be so mad when I come home later._


End file.
